The Path to Being Fully Seen
Being fully seen and met in my relationships is one of my deepest longings. And possibly one of my biggest pain points - the places where I’ve NOT been fully seen and met.
But the truth is, I hide those deep, real, raw parts of myself.
And I do it ESPECIALLY in those most important relationships where I would most long to be fully seen and met.
Of course it’s easier to be “out loud” with edgy parts of myself in relationships where there’s little investment and little risk. In my most important relationships, the ones I value and cherish, there’s huge investment and huge risk. So I often measure what I show of myself.
I admit it’s actually really selfish and kiiiinda manipulative of me. I have a desire to “control” the other person’s reactions to me, to feel in control of where the relationship is headed, to keep the relationship stable. I mean, of course, underneath that is the innocent desire to be loved and the young fear of losing love, so I’m not being hard on myself about it. I get it. I am just seeing it and being aware of it.
One of my biggest learnings in 2022 is the awareness that I’ll never ever be fully seen and met if I don’t actually bring those parts forward, show them, reveal them, bring them into the space between myself and the other person.
Those little innocent parts of me want the other person to go first, so it’s clear that it’s safe.
Or they want the other person to come searching inside. But people are not mind readers. If the thing I show is “everything is fine and nothing is missing and I’m giving you all of myself” then why would the other person ever think there is more to excavate?!
In order to ever have the chance of being fully seen and met, I have to bring the deepest, rawest, edgiest, most vulnerable parts out and show them. I have to fully claim them! And allow them to be seen, unapologetically.
That means not assuming the other person can’t handle all of me. The real truth is *I* can’t fully handle all of me. I judge *myself* as too much. How could I know what the other person is going to do until I actually show them all of myself?!
It means being willing to sit with other people’s intense emotions - maybe disappointment, or judgment, or disapproval. That’s totally a possible outcome. But I don’t want to be more willing to feel the tension in myself of holding myself back, trying to fit into a projection of what other people want me to be. I don’t want to only prioritize other people’s comfort over my own.
It means being willing to let go of even the most important relationships, because it’s possible that could happen. It’s possible we could fall out of resonance. Of course on the cognitive level, I understand that would mean making space for something more aligned to come in, but on the level of my survival body, it feels like death.
It means more fully trusting myself. I’m seeing with more and more clarity, especially as my daughter enters her teen years, all the ways I’ve been deeply ingrained with NOT trusting myself. How so much of my upbringing and our culture programmed me with overriding the impulses of my body and heart - how deep that “good girl” trope lives in my system. The good girl doesn’t actually trust herself. How could she? She’s been programmed to live for expectations outside herself.
I’m definitely still landing and integrating these learnings. I’m still gently leaning into the edge of showing more of myself, especially when it feels scary, especially in my most important relationships where I most deeply long to be really seen.
May we all feel more fully expressed, and fully met and celebrated in our truest expression in 2023 <3
